Wanna get depressed? Be a Tigers fan

ON BASEBALL

WARNING: This is not a happy story. If you're in a chipper weekend mood, this is not recommended reading.

OK, I'll get right to the bread and butter.

I'm a Detroit Tigers fan.

On the surface, that's not bad, right? I follow a 52-51 team that's still (arguably) in contention for a division. The Tigers have one of baseball's highest payrolls. They have a lot of big-name players. Plenty of offense. Gotta love it, right?

Um, no.

Actually, following the Tigers these days is like jumping off a cliff, only breaking 17 bones, and then doing the exact same thing — and still not dying. Being a Tigers fan is akin to holding down a job that you absolutely detest but continue to get up for at 6:30 every morning.

I only need one number to back up my morbid argument: 17. That's how many one-run losses the 2008 Tigers have sustained. That's right. If my math is correct, they have lost one third of their games by a single @#%&!@# run. Watching one-run losses is more painful than getting an earring shoved into the middle of your lobe (and I have a personal experience to back this up).

I would much rather see the Tigers lose 13-2, 17-3, 29-4. Then, at least, I'd know they're terrible, they're underachievers, they're not gonna come back to win the division. But watching them lose game after game by a single run brings me back to watch the next game ... and the next.

It's called hope, people. The Tigers make you hope. And that is entirely — 118 percent — a bad thing. Only motivational speakers call hope a good thing. And they're getting paid for their words.

Take Saturday night, for instance. When the Tigers fell down 4-1 in the third inning, my man Tick sent me this text: "It's time tr starting thinking about next season" (yes, he struggles with his spelling)." I agreed, replying, "No doubt." Then, of course, the Tigers made me forget about Tick's morbid message. First, they tied the game 4-4. Then after Chicago got to Justin Verlander to make it 7-4, the Tigers battled back to 7-6.

There was hope. Then this happened — and if you're a Tigers fan and this doesn't depress you, well, you're not much of a fan. The Tigers loaded the bases for Carlos Guillen in the seventh inning. He struck out. Magglio Ordonez led off the bottom of the eighth with a double. He ended the inning stuck on second.

At that point, I knew it was all but over, but I continued watching. It would have worked just fine for a 1-2-3 ninth to happen. And the first two batters complied with first-pitch outs. But then Curtis Granderson decided to tease the fans, battling back from an 0-2 count to slice a double down the left-field line. All of a sudden, there was that stupid "H" word — hope.

I sat up in my seat and proceeded to watch Placido Polanco work a full count. Oh, boy! The Comerica Park fans rose to their feet. I could feel the tension from 697 miles away. Palanco is Detroit's best contact hitter. He was having a good night.

Which meant, of course, he was due for a strikeout. I knew it before it happened, but it didn't reduce the pain when he swung and missed. You know things are bad when the inevitable still stings as much as an unexpected bullet. That's what happened to me Saturday night.

As usual, the Tigers had created hope — giving me something to be excited about — only to snatch away from me. Of course I should have known about it, but how can I ignore a man on second with nobody out in a one-run game in the eighth inning?

I, like any other baseball fan, can't, you see. And if the Tigers were a fundamental baseball team, there's no way that tying run would have been stranded at second base. But with Miguel Cabrera and Gary Sheffield coming up, of course there was no bunting, no sacrificing. Instead, there was a strikeout and a popout. And then, just a moment later, the inning was over. The threat was averted. Bobby Jenks was warming up in the bullpen.

The season was all but over for the Tigers. After, of course, Jenks survived a little scare and put us Tigers fans back in our place.

And what a sad story it is. A team that was predicted to do such big things. Players not performing up to expectations, not getting the job done. A depressed culture.

My only cure on this night was Taco Bell. Perhaps that will be corrected in the future. But for now, one-run losses aren't quite as tasty as 89-cent beef burritos.

Tigers keeping busy is a good thing

ON BASEBALL

Who are these guys? The Yankees?

Seriously. Since when do the Detroit Tigers make two lineup-altering trades before turkey is served on Thanksgiving? Since when do the Tigers not fret about a $100-million payroll?

Since last fall, Alex. That would be the answer.

And as long as GM/president Dave Dombrowski continues to hold the reins, I don't sense any slowing down in the pursuit of perfection (isn't that some company's slogan?).

It's even difficult to keep up with the Tigers' transactions these days. Not only has Dombrowski dealt for shortstop Edgar Renteria and outfielder Jacque Jones since the conclusion of the World Series just over two weeks ago. He also re-signed closer Todd Jones to a $7 million, one-year contract on Tuesday, the first day of free agency.

Apparently Dombrowski's mother never preached, "Patience is a virtue."

But that's all right, because in this case the GM's quickness to act is a good thing. In a slim free agent market, and with trades never easy to complete, Dombrowski simply gets the job done.

Are the moves risks? Of course. Just about any off-season acquisition or re-signing comes with a set of "ifs." For instance, will Jones, 39, hold up health wise and be the closer he's been the past two years. Is the left-handed hitting Jones really an upgrade from Timo Perez, who hit a scorching .389 last season in 29 games? Will Renteria, 32, hold up any better in the middle of the infield then converted first baseman Carlos Guillen, also 32, did?

There are plenty of questions. And, for now, no answers. Those won't arrive until baseball is back in full swing.

Then we'll know, for sure, if Dombrowski made the right moves.

But just the fact that he acted to make the acquisitions — and now is trying to re-sign veteran pitcher Kenny Rogers — says something about what he's attempting to build heading toward the season.

"We’re trying to win now,” Dombrowski said in the Detroit Free Press. “This fits with what we’re trying to do.”

Yes, trying to win now. Not in two years, not in five years. Since that miracle 2006 season, Dombrowski n' Co. have adopted a few pages from the Yankees' philosophical guide — the "win now" chapter. Last fall Dombrowski traded away a few talented — but unproven — prospects for the proven thunder stick of Gary Sheffield. While injuries derailed the slugger's season, that didn't make the acquisition a poor one. A hurting Sheffield still did much more than any of the traded prospects, none of whom made it to the Bronx.

Now Dombrowski has shipped away another promising prospect in pitcher Jair Jurrjens, sent to Atlanta in the deal for Renteria. Jurrjens was stellar in a few starts for the Tigers last season.

But Dombrowski knew he would have to sacrifice a talent to procure Renteria, so he sucked it up and made the move — stabilizing Detroit's infield in the process. There will be more Jurrjens, he must think. The window of winning a World Series with older players such as Sheffield, AL batting champ Magglio Ordonez and Gold Glove second baseman Placido Polanco, on the other hand, is closing.

Which comes back to the "win now" doctrine. It is now officially a motto of the Tigers organization, which has to rub off positively on the players. Close to no one wants to play for a "rebuilding" team. Just about everyone wants to play on a team like the Tigers.

A team that will take risks to improve itself during the off-season. A team that has one goal each season — to win the World Series.

Must be talking Yankees, right?

Surprisingly enough, I'm not. I'm talking that team in Motown.

Yes, the same Tigers who lost 119 games in 2003.